Alcohol, cottage cheese and pet care: This Nielsen survey reads your gay house down

Hooray for us!

But the ULTIMATE shade of it all is how we spend that extra cash.

When I read the list, I fell out because it READ. ME. FOR. FILTH.

The chart shows what male/male households and female/female houses buy more than average households. No clue what the “purchase index” numbers actually mean, but it looks like the higher the number, the more we buy than our straight counterparts.

What do gay men spend more money on than the average household? Alcohol, men’s toiletries, “refrigerated meal starts,” coffee, fresheners and deodorizers, dog food and oral hygiene.

That’s just the beginning, but I will vouch for all of that as it is all shamefully true.

I’ve always got a stash of get-drunk supplies (even if it’s someone else’s beer. Yuck. Unless it’s Queer Beer, maybe.) I hoard shampoo, conditioner, moisturizers and body wash like the world has already stopped spinning. My personal “refrigerated meal starters” are often the beginning and the end of the meals I eat alone. My boyfriend bought me a Keurig not long ago, and I swear by it now.

And then there’s the fresheners and deodorizers. I could literally spend an entire blog talking about the benefits of various home scent products: oils, waxes, candles, plug-ins, sprays… you name it, I’ve tried it. And I LOVE THEM ALL.

Wrapping up my personal truth: the boyfriend buys bougie dog food and if you don’t have floss in your house, we can’t be friends.

And that was just the top seven things on the male/male list. For the rest, truth be told, I’m not much for shaving (I AM my beard), and I don’t like yogurt aka flavored snot, vitamins or nuts. You can DEFINITELY put me down for frozen novelties and “dairy snacks and spreads.”

And the ladies?

Please tell me that y’all really don’t buy that much cottage cheese and sour cream. If you do, please tell me why those things are in the same category. One goes on my burritos and one makes me vomit.

Pet care (which is not to be confused with “cat food,” the fifth item on the list) is ranked just above butter and margarine. Really? Lesbians buy more cottage cheese, sour cream and butter/margarine more than crazy Southern straight women who invented diabetes with their amazing fried fill-in-the-blanks?

I’ve learned two things: 1) Neilsen knows too much about my boring gay life and 2) I don’t hang out with enough sour-cream-and-butter-obsessed lesbians. Where’s my potluck invite, ladies? I’ll bring the refrigerated meal starters!