Bill Kaelin

Bill Kaelin: A few requests for Santa

It has always been a Kaelin family tradition for all the children to gather around the kitchen table on Christmas Eve and write a letter to Santa Claus. Handwritten always by my Dad, the letter mostly served as a last minute gift request by the children and grandchildren in hopes that they would get what they wanted under the tree the next morning. My parents always used this ritual as an opportunity to remind us about the true reason for the season by adding in more humanitarian requests for Kris Kringle, like remembering to visit the poor, not forgetting the troops and asking for the ultimate gift of peace on earth.

This year will be the first time in my entire life that there won’t be any children or Christmas cookies around the table while we write our yearly note to the old man. It’s truly the end of an era. In the spirit of keeping the tradition intact, I decided to reach out to Santa myself and see if he can still make my wishes come true.

Dear Santa:

I hope you have had a great year and have been working hard to prepare for your big night. The amount of time, energy and effort you put into trying to make everyone happy for just one day is mind-blowing, and I can’t imagine the crash you must feel on the 26th when it is all over. I’m sure the emotional roller coaster is exhausting and the struggle is real. I will leave you one of my Xanax on the dining room table to help you sort it out. It’s way more delicious than a sugar cookie anyway.

Speaking of downers, the out of control mass shootings lately are really starting to bum me out. If you could help our country rise above its current obsession with guns, it would be appreciated. Maybe it would help if you replaced every psycho’s firearm with a handful of free therapy sessions. I certainly would like to go to a concert again without the fear of a mass shooting.

The Madonna concert is coming to Phillips Arena on January 20th, so if you could speak to the queen and score me some backstage passes I would love you forever.

In regards to divas, when you reach the West Coast, do us all a favor and have a serious conversation with Caitlyn Jenner. That rich, out-of-touch Kardashian needs to be schooled about the LGBT community. Please explain to her that voting Republican and against her own interests is not cool. And if you have any pull, we could really use your help this year when it comes to the polls. It would be super cool if you could finally turn Georgia “Blue” and please, please, please let Hillary crush Donald Trump. I’m certain most of the world would really appreciate it.

And please don’t forget to take care of all the LGBT homeless youth by making sure they have a safe and happy home for the holidays. Let 2016 be the year the rest of the permits and funding for the new Lost-N-Found Youth Home are secured. Maybe you could have a little talk with that dude who organized the failed “Rainbow Crosswalks” project and convince him to donate the balance of the money he raised to the kids instead. It would be a super nice thing for him to do, and if he doesn’t oblige, just put a big lump of coal in his designer stocking.

Thank you for all the gifts you have given my loved ones and me. Let 2016 be filled with health, happiness and peace on Earth for all. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.