Bill Kaelin

Bill Kaelin: Escaping skinny-fat person purgatory

Everything is better when you are in love. The air seems cleaner; birds sing louder, food tastes amazing and alcohol is even sweeter.

Life has been good for my boyfriend, Shawn, and I this first year. We have experienced a lot, done some traveling, had some great laughs and indulged in great food with plenty of cocktails to wash it all down. I noticed recently while pulling out my spring clothes that as a result of all the indulgence, I had put on some serious love pounds. Shirts were tighter, pants more snug. I figured it was just winter weight that needed to be shed until a series of signs showed me that I was living in a skinny-fat person purgatory just like I read about recently in a popular Facebook post.

The first signal regarding my new size was when I had the honor of roasting Nicole Paige Brookes for her 20th Drag Anniversary. I was a nervous wreck, wondering how the guest panel of drag queens was going to ride my ass. Instead, Edie Cheezburger made a joke about the size of my ass. “Whenever I see Bill Kaelin I don’t know if he is really muscular or just really bloated.” Her crack totally made me laugh, but reminded me that humor is the good-natured side of truth.

My accountant also weighed in on the issue. Eva is a sassy, tell-it-like-it-is Asian woman with an attitude and accent that will make the hair on the back of your neck stand up when she scolds you. Upon completion of this year’s tax return, I was caught off-guard when she grabbed my love handles and wagged her finger at me, saying: “You drink too much beer.” Feeling like a stuffed sausage, I shook my head in agreement and promised her I would cut back while quietly telling myself how fucked up this was.

The skinny-fat syndrome struggle is real. I have had a 32-inch waist forever, but now my 32s give me the blues, but a size 34 falls to the floor. My medium-sized T-shirts that I could easily slide into were now making me miserable; but a large looks like I’m wearing a muumuu. Losing weight isn’t as easy as it was when I would smoke a daily pack of cigarettes, drink Red Bull for breakfast and dance at Backstreet until the sun came up. It’s not the 90s anymore, and I had to find a healthy alternative for shedding the pounds. Fortunately, I found it with “dtox organic juice and junk” in Midtown.

Dtox has a program called the Clean and Lean Cleanse that, thankfully, also includes real food. It is a weight-loss program with a series of elixirs that cleanse, juices like the “Lean Mean and Green” that are nutritious, and ready-to-eat lunches like a delicious collard wrap with almond dipping sauce. There was more than enough fresh, raw juice and goodies to last until dinner, and thanks to Shawn’s clean-eating grilling skills, I got back in the habit of eating at home in the evenings.

I could tell my stomach had physically shrunk, causing me to desire less food by Day 2. I had committed to doing the dtox for two weeks while having weekends off. My first break was Easter weekend, and after digesting too many Peeps I was ready to get back to my greens.

I lost eight pounds by the end of the program, I felt great. My skin was glowing, I had tons of energy and I was sleeping like a baby. Dtox is like a healthy, old-fashioned home milk delivery service with hip glass bottles dropped off at your front door. It resets your taste buds, turns back time on your body and is worth every penny; especially when it means you don’t have to buy a new spring wardrobe. I’m still not skinny, but I’m not fat, either. I have found peace somewhere in the middle, and I feel like a million bucks.