Topher Payne: I’m so sorry (sorry you caught me, that is)

“Boo hoo hoo,” I said, trying to make myself yawn so I’d manufacture tears. “Please forgive me (for the incident you know about). I am so, so sorry (you caught me).”

I felt just awful about him knowing. Now he was going to think I was a bad person, which I was not. I was a really great boyfriend, except for the consistent and complete betrayal of his trust.

“Stop saying you’re sorry,” he had demanded. “Tell me why you did it.”

I, of course, knew why. Sex, when done properly, feels good. I enjoyed feeling good. My boyfriend and I were not having sex. I found someone to have sex with. I could explore why my boyfriend didn’t want to have sex with me. But that experience was unlikely to feel good. So really, I’d made the prudent choice.

I could not say these things to him, because they would not have made me look like the nice person I knew I was. So instead I kept apologizing until he grew weary of my attempts at contrition and left.

I quickly constructed a scenario where all of this was his fault. Not only had his lack of attention thrown me into the arms and between the legs of another, but when I gave my heartfelt non-apology, he had refused forgiveness.

This proved what a terrible person I was dealing with, a heartless bastard withholding his pardon like that vengeful boy king on “Game of Thrones.” What a jerk.

I think back on that, and I see how gross I was. I see the desperate, compulsive, misplaced energies of a young man who needed to learn how to respect himself and honor others. That took a lot of work.

When a person does something stupid and hurtful, and that act is borne out of a fundamental flaw in the way they see and interact with the world, it takes a little while for them to fully comprehend the experience.

In order to grow and move forward, they have to accept the possibility that there’s a part of them that is ugly. They are not an entirely nice person. There is growth and contrition to take on.

Paula Deen isn’t there yet. Not really. Oh, she’s sorry — that we think she’s a bad person, that she got caught. But she doesn’t understand it yet. She’s looking for someone to blame, and instead of taking responsibility, she’s asking for forgiveness.

Paula admits she used the word “nigger” after a man put a gun to her head. She says she said it because she wasn’t thinking very nice things about him at that moment. Look, I hate that happened to her. I’ve also had a black man hold a gun to my head, but it still didn’t occur to me to use that word. I instead referred to him as a fellow who has intercourse with his mother.

But I get what Paula’s saying. She was afraid. What she needs to understand is, every time a white person has ever used the word nigger, or faggot, it was borne out of fear. It’s a base, ugly, repulsive, utterly human instinct.

When someone scares us, we belittle them. And once you give in to that fear, it takes root and it grows. It colors everything you do and say, even if you’re otherwise a very nice person.

If Paula is going to grow from this, if she’s going to have any sort of a comeback, she has to face the fact that there is fear inside of her, there’s a part of her that is ugly. She has to take responsibility for terrible choices and resolve to do better.

Stop saying you’re sorry, Paula Deen. Tell us why you did it.

 


Topher Payne is an Atlanta-based playwright, and the author of the book “Necessary Luxuries: Notes on a Semi-Fabulous Life.” Find out more at www.topherpayne.com