There I was. The music was blaring, half-naked men were bouncing around, and I was feeling great! I’d been offered an edible from an acquaintance which I gladly accepted. I figured, “What’s the harm? It’ll help me relax even more, right?” I’m not the one to pass up a good time, especially at a circuit party. But this particular night, there was a powerful storm brewing inside of me. I didn’t realize what was about to happen, but I can’t say I didn’t expect it when it happened.

As quickly as I accepted this new drug in the side room of the local club, my reaction to what I had just taken was just as swift. I’ve done my share of drugs socially and I’m unashamed. When you’re introduced into the circuit scene, it’s very much a part of your induction into a night full of music, dancing, and sex. As my edible kicked in, I noticed the effects. They were familiar. From ecstasy to GHB, I’d felt these feelings before. I didn’t panic. But as the minutes passed, things began to take a turn. I felt my mind melting into a punch bowl of thoughts and feelings, some of which I couldn’t control. I wasn’t even able to verbally express myself, and it began to play with my head. Soon I began hallucinating and then I knew, it was time to go home.

Full of emotion, my husband helped me get into the car and we began our short journey home, but it felt like a lifetime. While I remember parts of our conversations, the majority of the evening after popping the foreign substance remained much of a blur. I do, however, remember I felt an overwhelming sense of helplessness, feeling like I’d failed at life in some way. From my relationship to my career missteps, and even friendships that I’d let go south years ago. I questioned why I do some of the things I do in life. For me, I felt like I was making sense and these epiphanies were causing me to reflect on much of what I’d done or not done in life over the past several years. I cried. I felt emotion. I felt a sense of release because the words I was saying hadn’t been uttered EVER before. When we arrived home, I climbed into bed, gave a sigh of relief and quickly dozed away into my dreams. Needless to say, my hour-long night out was INTENSE. While I wouldn’t recommend having this time of a profound awakening while under the influence of marijuana, it certainly made it easier to express myself when I’ve felt afraid to speak my mind freely in the past.

The reason I just admitted to doing drugs? Firstly, I’m an open book and I feel sharing all parts of me are what allow me to be a voice to those who may be afraid to speak up. Secondly, we’ve all been in those vulnerable positions where our thoughts and feelings feel all too real. The majority of the time is when we’re feeling high in the clouds where every single cell in our body is in tune with our heart, mind, and soul. I thought about a lot that night, and it made me ask myself, is there more to life than what we allow ourselves to feel outside of those highs?? Let’s face it. When you’re high, the world is pretty fucking amazing. I think if we all could bask in its glory under the flashing lights with some Paulo or Joe Gauthreaux playing, we’d get an all-access pass to the festivities.

Unfortunately, there’s the reality. My comedown after my edible experience was a sobering one, and it made me realize there’s much to strive for in my life to be content and happy outside of a nighttime high. While I’m by no means chasing the next high, I do know there’s something to be said about getting a glimpse into a world where the pain isn’t felt, thoughts slow down, and happiness is what’s on the menu. At least from 10pm to 3am (and after hours).

I’ve had my fair share of critics who bash us circuit guys because of the lives we live when the sun goes down, but there’s much joy in how we realize what the meaning of life is or could be. We do it intimately with one another, sweating, dancing, singing along with our eyes closed, feeling the breeze of a world that allows us to realize what could be. It’s our escape and our way to appreciate reality even more.

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