Writer’s block. It’s a real thing. I suffer from it more often than not, and when the Georgia Voice editorial team asked me to write a humorous, satirical column about 2020, I was stumped. What could I find funny about this year? Are there really any endearing qualities about living through a global pandemic while simultaneously having a complete psychopath run our country?
I suppose unless you have an affinity for comics like conservative D-list celebrity Tim Allen, there probably isn’t a whole lot to laugh about when talking about 2020 — unless you count my own “Home Improvement” I attempted during lockdown: witnessing me with a toolbox is comedy gold. I seem to recall an afternoon where I spent hours reorganizing an entire section of safety pins in my tool bag. It felt so good to finally get them in order, but I really could have used some help with the bigger projects I took on.
Where were my lesbians when I needed them the most? Most likely, they were holed up in their own homes, tending to their organic gardens and stockpiling healthy food to prepare for the worst-case scenario. I’m sure our girls were taking quarantine much more seriously than some of our gay brothers who were heedlessly hanging out at the bars on 10th and Piedmont or attending maskless circuit parties. Bless those circuit queens’ hearts; this coronavirus must have been really hard on them. The combination of LA Fitness, tanning salons and waxing parlors all being closed had to have been horrific.
In 2020, the passage of time was like living in some altered universe. It was like a time warp or being in the middle of a “Twilight Zone” episode. Mondays felt like Sundays. We drank alcohol on Wednesdays like it was Saturday. Happy hours started at noon, and the increase of gunfire and rogue firework displays made Halloween feel like the 4th of July. Even now it doesn’t feel like Christmas. The weather is warm, the leaves are still on the trees and I’m craving pumpkin pie since I never got a slice over Thanksgiving — or was that Easter? Who knows? The only thing we can really rely on is that Father Time will keep marching on no matter what. Tick tock goes the clock, and we are finally only days away from 2020 finally being over and weeks until the one-term “Liar in Chief” is gone.
I think most of us can agree that the very idea of not seeing the hateful orange turd’s face anymore will be just as big of a Christmas miracle as the release of a new vaccine, which will hopefully put an end to this heartbreaking global pandemic.
The fact that we will no longer have to hear the lies of his blonde Stepford wife during press conferences makes me want to dance in the streets. Just imagine when we will no longer have to see the horrible talking heads at the bottom of the dumpster pile, like Stephen Miller, Betsy DeVos, William Barr, Rick Perry and Rudy Giuliani.
The only humor I can muster in 2020 is the thought that we will finally get the chance to see the Narcissist-in-Chief truly suffer as he loses everything. There are currently many indictments waiting to meet him the minute he leaves office. I truly believe we will witness the fall of the worst president in United States history. But his fall, unfortunately, won’t undo the damage he’s done.
As we say goodbye to this year, we will never forget all the innocent lives we lost due to the hate, intolerance and racism of this administration, including George Floyd, Heather Heyer, Breonna Taylor, and Rayshard Brooks. We will commit to love, tolerance and true change in this new year. To all our frontline workers who helped us fight this pandemic: 2021 is for you. To the hundreds of thousands of people who lost their lives to COVID-19 while Republican leadership did nothing, claimed it was a Democratic hoax and said that masks weren’t important: this vaccine and new birth of 2021 will be for you. You all did not die in vain.
To everyone else who has survived 2020 as well as the last four years of this real-life American Horror Story: we finally have the last laugh. Love won, science won, empathy won, democracy won and, most importantly, we won. Let’s finish the job by electing Jon Ossoff and Raphael Warnock to the Senate and finally say goodbye to 2020 and Mitch McConnell for good.
I hope 2021 brings you lots of light and tons of love. May the sound of laughter be the only thing that is infectious in the new year to come.