My ass is such a hopeless romantic. I want it all. I want the money, the kids, the cars (Volvo XC40, please), and the happy ending. Coming fresh off a breakup — my fourth serious relationship with a man — I currently find myself in quite a pessimistic place. I want to drown in the pain that broken love brings, but I can’t walk away from all the great things love has brought to me. If anything, I feel fortunate about the experiences love has given me and that is why I still fight for it. As I’m writing this, I’m saying to myself, “Bring out your Carrie Bradshaw, girl.” And just like that…
Hopeless romantic culture gets a bad rap. I think we all have the craving for unconditional love, but some of us are afraid to admit it. I am in no way saying everyone wants the same thing. I am envious of the peeps who do not tie the legitimacy of love to an exclusive or monogamous situation. Yet, I must be candid and admit that feeling like the focus in an exclusive relationship makes me feel the most valued and well respected. And, baby, that’s my drug!
As Valentine’s Day pops its head around the corner and my breakup is super fresh, I am nervous about how I will feel on V-day because of how fresh the pain and feelings are running inside of me. I am sitting here thinking, “Goddamn — and right before Valentine’s Day!” But that’s life. Valentine’s Day celebrates the romance of two people getting together to remember their passion and lust, yet I have never known a single soul who enjoys this day.
Valentine’s Day can hold such complex triggers for us, whether it be excitement about a date opportunity or pain from remembering what you once had with someone in the past. Talk about a holiday that gets a weird amount of attention — we still put expectations on this day to validate us and make us feel worthy of love, but when we don’t get those expectations met, who are we?
I often discredit the pain that can come from a broken love. I want to act like it isn’t shit, and I am a big boss bitch. But the truth is, I hurt because I cared so deeply. Despite my heartbreak, however, I am still so excited for what is to come. I know that for someone as worthy as me with as fat of an ass as mine and who cares this much, there must be another cool someone out there who is my worthy equal. In the coming months and days, I will fight with my imagination as to what that might look like. Trust never plays out the way you imagine it, and if it did, that would be such a bore.
Thank you for tracking my thoughts as I jump back from a negative to a positive affirmation about the system we call love. The evolution of my opinions on love is sure to continue, but my core values still manage to shine through. From here on, I will proudly label myself as a “hopeful, rad, and romantic bad bitch … with a thick ass.”
So here we are again, and you get another column from a “hopeless romantic.” Goddamn, maybe I really am Carrie Bradshaw.
Xoxo.
Jake Jonez is a host of The Gayly Dose Season Two, an Atlanta-based podcast hosted by an all-gay cast. Unique in its mission and follow-on format, weekly episodes of The Gayly Dose are known for their real conversations about things that matter to the community and their listeners. Purposefully candid and brutally honest, the cast speaks on a range of topics including monogamy, body issues, coming out, dating apps, and growing up gay in the church. Listen at thegaylydose.com.