I am thrilled to interview George Santos, the first openly gay Republican elected to the U.S. Congress. Rep. Santos and I met during a recent visit to Atlanta where he is helping organize the Project to Make Dixie Great Again.
Congratulations on your recent victory, Rep. Santos. I was somewhat surprised to learn you had a connection to the South. Can you fill us in?
Oh, obviously I – George – was named after Georgia and spent much of my youth here. My parents were the Jewish descendants of slaves who told Joel Chandler Harris many of the stories that he turned into the Uncle Remus tales. To honor them, Mr. Harris created a basement apartment in his mansion, the Wren House, and it remains a family retreat. When I was a teenager, I spent weeks at a time in that apartment. I later created my animal rescue charity as a tribute to the captivating animal folklore of my ancestors, as told by Uncle Remus.
You’re 34, so your teen years in Atlanta would have been in the early 2000s. Did you begin exploring your gay side then? Who was your first crush?
Of course! I admit I filled in for Mr. Charlie Brown the week Backstreet closed in 2004. And I met my first crush that same week – Lindsey Graham, America’s first openly gay Republican Senator, elected in 2003. He was at Backstreet, still celebrating his victory.
The Lady Lindsey is not openly gay.
Are you sure? That’s news to me, but, okay, he is America’s first gay Republican senator, period. Anyway, he was a huge inspiration. I was also the last Mr. Hotlanta in 2003, the final year of the pageant. But enough about me.
But it is all about you. You’ve been accused of constructing a life story that is completely fictitious. What do you have to say to your critics?
They’re nothing but lazy liars whose political agendas overrule their obligations to do factual research. Had they gone to the trouble, they would have learned that when I was writer in residence at Harvard, I was authoring a novel. One of my student assistants stole a rough draft, which at that stage was basically a fictionalized memoir. Years later, he hands it off to my campaign chief, who naively used it to fashion my campaign resume. Yes, I am the author of my own fictions, but their intent was a good read. I was perhaps wrong to go along with the performance, but politics is performance and obviously people enjoyed mine. So, what’s the big deal?
Among your more confusing untold stories is a marriage in 2012 to a Brazilian-born New Jersey resident, Uadla Viera Santos.The two of you divorced in 2019. Was this marriage possibly for you or her to establish citizenship? I know your mother was Brazilian, moved here, gave birth to you, then later returned to Brazil with you, right? You were known there as Kitara Ravache, a drag queen, right?
Something like that, yes. I’m not ashamed of my career in drag. I was asked many times to co-host what became RuPaul’s Drag Race, but ultimately opted for a career in finance and politics. I will only say, related to Uadla, that I am a believer in polyamory. I’m not old enough to have the mentoring skills that Lindsey Graham offered me, but I took pride in teaching Madison Cawthorn that, regardless of disability, you can wear women’s lingerie and face-fuck men in bed while enjoying your eight-month marriage to a woman who is divorcing you – all while taking a Christian stand against indecent behavior. As you know my mother died in the south tower during the 9/11 attack. I was there, rescuing the injured with my sixth-grade class and saw her being put in an ambulance. Her last words to me were, “Kitara Anthony George Devolder Ravache Santos, live your truth.”
I know you’ve come under fire from many in your own party. They want you to stand down. You’ve given up committee assignments until your name is cleared. Where do you find relief from the stress?
I’m good! Jesus knew what was coming his way and didn’t let a transitory irritation like getting nailed in the worst way keep him from ruling the cosmos! I enjoy taking long walks around Washington with Marjorie Taylor Greene and Matt Gaetz. We dodge the Jewish space lasers and tease Matt about sex trafficking. I love to say how Marjorie opposes abortion unless the fetus is transgender or gay. I remind them that they weren’t able to get President Trump to issue pardons for their participation in the righteous effort to overturn the 2020 election. I also enjoy getting steamy at the Log Cabin Republican meet-and-greets. I’m so appreciative that they haven’t joined the condemnation of me and I’m proud that they are entertaining my proposal to sell some racy merch featuring my image. People need to understand that it’s great to be part of a gay organization that refrains from judging their members’ haters.
Anything else you’d like to share? Any news from the Project to Make Dixie Great Again?
Well, we have confirmed that a gigantic balloon was shot down over Stone Mountain Park last week. Our sources tell us it was likely collecting data for producing theme-park facsimiles in communist countries that are invested in representing our nation as racist. We know the true story of the Civil War, the Lost Cause, was about standing up for states’ rights, not about ownership of beloved story tellers like my Black-ish Jew-ish ancestors. That aside, I just want everyone to know that I have everything it takes to be an out and proud gay Republican. I am exactly what you see.
Editor’s note: this is a faux interview for satirical purposes.