“I know I’m lucky this makes me feel better. I know I’m lucky this makes me feel animal and real.”
—Camp Cope, “Animal & Real”
Although we’re only a couple months in, 2024 is turning into an especially creative year for me. I’ve been addicted to crocheting, I’ve consistently filled pages in my collage journal, and I have publicly shared poetry. This newfound ease of creativity feels sudden — I’ve always had the desire to be creative and regularly engage in creative hobbies (outside of writing for work), but I could never really get into the rhythm of it; I would pick up activities like painting, drawing, or jewelry making, only to quickly lose interest. I would struggle to have ideas I was enthusiastic about and struggle even more to execute those ideas in a way that satisfied me. As I’ve worked on this arts issue and thought about my relationship with making art, I’ve wondered: why, suddenly, does it feel like I’m in my creative stride?
Maybe I’ve just finally chosen the media that work best for me, but I started crocheting in 2019. From 2019 to 2023, I had crocheted maybe five pieces. In 2024, I’ve crocheted upward of 15. I have made attempts at poetry for years, but only this year have I been confident enough in my writing to share it with other people. In fact, maybe the biggest difference between my attitude toward making art this year and in years previous is that I find it so easy to be creative now, because I actually like the things I’m making.
I have been on a journey of self-discovery and healing since 2020. I was deeply struggling with self-image; I completely lacked a sense of self and believed that the way I was, the person I was, could never be good enough. This belief permeated the creative space — because I didn’t like myself, I didn’t like much of what I made. I was more concerned with being perceived as creative than I was with being true to myself and making things that spoke to me. With no sense of self, it felt like there wasn’t anything inside me that was desperate to be poured out into art.
The past four years of therapy and mental illness treatment, changing relationships, grief, and just growing up have culminated in this moment, now, where creativity and self-expression come more easily. I am less scared and ashamed of myself, and as the shame and fear have fallen away, my mind has become clearer and my voice louder. I am more easily inspired, because I know myself enough to know what appeals to me, what feels True to me, and ultimately, I actually have the belief in myself necessary to pursue my inspiration, to make something of it.
When I make something I’m proud of, I maintain and strengthen my sense of self. I look at something beautiful that came from my mind, my heart, and I see the beauty in me. Everything I make, from a poem to a collage to a sweater, is a testament to how far I’ve come, to the newfound love I have for myself, and I’m proud.
Maybe 2024 is my year of creativity, because I no longer make anything to transform myself into the Creative Person I want to be. I make things because it feels good. I make things because it feels right.