Have you ever watched a sex scene in a movie and it inspired you to try something new in the bedroom? Sometimes that adventurous spirit leads to disappointing results.
I once went camping with a girlfriend in north Georgia, tent and all. Our campsite was alongside a beautiful stream, and on a sunny afternoon we took a cooler of beer to hang out alongside the water. You’ve seen onscreen couples play with ice, so as one thing led to another we began to enjoy our time together using some ice from the cooler. A few days later I had to make an appointment with my OB/GYN, because apparently water from the stream got into the cooler and spread bacteria onto the ice. You can use your imagination on where exactly my infection was.
It seems to be a problem for many people. Cosmopolitan UK once held a poll of disappointing romps; several ended in injury:
“I dislocated a guy’s shoulder during sex once. It was just an extra vigorous session, and I had my foot up on his shoulder. Turns out, he has weak shoulders. Who’d have known, eh?”
“I was having outdoor sex under a patch of trees and thought it would be really Tarzan and Jane to try it while I sat in a tree nook. All was going OK until I felt a sharp pain in my nether regions. I kicked my boyfriend off and asked him to check it out. I must have sat on a bee.”
“One time when my boyfriend was lying on top of me, I went to move my arm and somehow stabbed him really hard in the nostril with my finger. He let out a big “oww!” and then loads of blood started dripping out of his nose. He had to make a dash to the toilet whilst still completely naked and trying to avoid my mum who was upstairs at the time. Needless to say it killed the moment a bit.”
Enterprising sex can be disappointing for famous people too. Jenny McCarthy told the Huffington Post about a trip she took to the Grand Canyon with her partner.
“I can say I did it in the Grand Canyon,” McCarthy said, “But the bottom of the Grand Canyon is not fun. There’s like scorpions and stones and dirt and it’s hot. It was like the strangest and worst sex of my life.”
What if your partner’s personality is itself the adventure? Armie Hammer told Elle magazine about a woman who tried to stab him while they were having sex.
“She was like, ‘True love leaves scars. You don’t have any,'” said Hammer. “And then she tried to stab me with a butcher knife. Of course, I promptly broke up with her. Seven months later.”
The topic of sex often causes insecurity, because as a society we are made to feel inferior if the frequency, quality, or risk involved in our sex lives is not up to par with what we perceive everyone else’s to be. Don’t be fooled. I’ve learned that the ultimate goal of sex is not just the happy ending, but also trying to stay out of a doctor’s office in the process.