Georgia Voice columnist Melissa Carter

Melissa Carter: Confessions of a New Age experimentalist

My cat watched me standing half-naked in our bathroom. I was trying to figure out how to climb over a piece of outdoor furniture I just wedged in the tiny space, after which I would attempt this for the first time. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

First, you need to know I am a part-time New Age experimentalist. In other words, I make efforts to learn out-of-the-box thinking and only try it out for a limited amount of time. For instance, I spent a year as a member of a Body & Brain facility, where I learned Dahn yoga techniques and participated in a weekend workshop of Finding Your True Self. I have had several experiences speaking with tarot card readers and psychics, and made sure to get my chakras cleaned before attempting to have our son.

Frequenting New Age bookstores, my library consists of such books with titles like

“Autobiography of a Yogi,”  “Introduction to the Alexander Technique,” and “Reiki for Beginners.” Friends have even termed my activities and attitudes “hippie-dippie,” since some things I do in my spare time don’t always match the no-nonsense persona I give on air. Open to learning most of these ideas, I will attempt to utilize their suggestions at least once whether that be diet, mental exercises and, at times, physical ones.

That is how I ended up engineering this recent feat in my bathroom. It consisted of a five-gallon bucket, a wrought iron lawn chair, a towel, tubing and a plastic board. “The Tao of Health, Sex and Longevity” suggested regular colon cleansing was a key to better health and longevity, and gave information on how to perform this task in the privacy of your own bathroom.

Enthusiastic, I purchased the board and tubing from a reputable company and was preparing to spend the next 40 minutes reading a book and flushing my lower half. What I didn’t do was measure the length of the board that would be placed between the chair and toilet, only then realizing my bathroom was not as big as the example pictures. I also realized I didn’t have a proper chair inside the house, so the outside iron chair was the only option I had.

My Siamese stuck it out to watch his ridiculous human maneuver these items in a very Tetris kind of way so I could try and get the job done, which is why I had to climb over the chair to get to my resting place since there was no more room to walk. After I finally got it going, the actual technique worked somewhat, but once I realized I had been there for over an hour and the bucket wasn’t even half-way emptied, I gave up and stored the items for a future, much bigger home, where I could execute it properly.

After all this experimenting and the many investments I have made in said board, crystals, stones, essential oils, juicers, herbs, raw foods, foot patches, Neti Pots, wooden pillows, yoga clothes and pressure point socks, what have I learned? So far there is no real device or practice that solves all your problems, but my curiosity will no doubt keep up the search, much to the amusement of those around me … two and four-legged alike.