I see the Georgia state legislature is about to enter its annual phase of protecting religious liberty that I, bearer of gay genes, am constantly seeking to destroy. In fact, I wish to make the very fabric of our society a pair of really short shorts.

Back when Republicans drank their wine in country clubs instead of churches, and Democrats somehow managed to showcase both Strom Thurmond and George McGovern, religious freedom was virtually guaranteed. If, of course, by “religious freedom” you mean LGBT folks kept quiet and/or to themselves and/or hidden.

Over the last 20 years or so, however, our family has been permitted out of our enclaves, exposed our kind to the humanfolk (with whom we have largely assimilated), and been welcomed by a majority of people who used to hate the unknown but now realise it wasn’t actually an unknown anyway. And as gay people were allowed to do things like be gay in the workplace and share health insurance and pay taxes as a household, there has been a swift backlash (what do you call a lash that was already lashing, and is just lashing harder now?) amongst those who believe levels of homophobia is proportional to one’s approval rating with their deity.

Because, you see, the fact that gays can live openly to a far higher degree nowadays means that, according to certain interpretations of the Bible, religious freedom is being trampled on. In fact it isn’t just your specific Creator who is annoyed, it’s the Founding Fathers too. And with an ass-long Republican presidential primary to come, we’re going to endure the recitals of every conservative candidate for office who ever sought to attract votes by hating on small groups of untraditional people.

While that goes on, however, I will continue to step all over people’s freedom of religion in the best ways I know how.

Firstly, by throwing my marriage around. In this instance of religious intolerance, the fact that the government says I need to sign a piece of paper in one of 13 states (which was the case when we tied the knot) to allow me to live in the same country as the man I love, basically invited a religious freedom bill upon the world because we treated our relationship of matching genitals with the same stature of those whose are incongruent.

We disrespected religion in this instance by signing a piece of paper beneath a tree in Provincetown while a sandals-clad lesbian pronounced us married under the authority of one of the cold states. Naturally, all the churches within 500 meters collapsed immediately.

The next way I shall destroy religious liberty is to go to a business and ask them to treat me the same as customers who bang the opposite sex, wish to bang the opposite sex, or it is unknown which sex said customer wishes to bang. I’m definitively OK with this business not being a church, or a ministry, some other kind of tax-exempt enterprise, or the Atlanta fire chief’s private home. I realise we run the risk, through equal treatment of LGBT customers, of the Chattahoochee being turned into a river of blood, or the Atlanta Falcons repeating this season next season, but as I am purposefully taking on religious liberty I feel it is my obligation.

The third gun in my armoury to destroy the religious foundation of this great nation is to go to my place of employment under the notion that I can’t be fired for who I fuck, am dating, am married to, or lust after. I would also prefer some sort of protection against harassment in the office on the same grounds. I’m hella sorry for all the hurricanes this will cause.

This state of Georgia is incredibly lucky to have such dedicated lawmakers to protect y’all from the havoc my civil marriage and desire to be treated like everyone else is wreaking upon the path laid down for us. If God really wanted to punish us, though, he would have turned the wine back into water.

Simon Williamson, a native of South Africa, lives with his federally recognized spouse in the wild yonder of Newton County. You can follow him on Twitter: @Simonwillo

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